A letter for my anxious self

 Dear Cortisol Queen, 

 AKA miss people pleaser...

I know you started when you knew the days were getting closer for you to come back after a long vacation. There was a sense of dread. No longing whatsoever. Just dreading the moment you will have to set foot in the place that tested you the most. Now that you are back, it's so tough to deal with internally. You can't sleep properly and anxious thoughts keeps flooding in. Making you start to panic. Like you can't breathe. Laying down in bed is making you feel there's a lot of pressure in your lungs that is making it so much harder to breathe. So you have to sleep with your head elevated. 

If I watched a movie of my entire life the anxiety I feel makes sense to me because of what happened to me as a child. Being humiliated in front of my friends by my own family. No one to help me process my emotions. All the criticism about my appearance, lack of skill. Having emotionally immature parents. Financial difficulty all through out my life. Lack of self awareness, confidence, self love, emotional regulation. No wonder I'm full of anxiety. I can't make a decision, I feel weak, I feel exhausted and low energy or no motivation. I'm exhausted of having mental battle with myself. The constant thoughts, that damn hamster in a wheel inside my head. It's been a sad and hard life. That is what is dominant in my life right now. DESPITE all the wonderful things that has happened in my life. This anxious part of me is so dominant at the moment. 

I'm so sorry that happened to you. ALL OF IT. That you are struggling right now. This too shall pass. 

I'm proud of you for doing the work despite the struggle. despite the pull to stay to what is familiar. don't stop. keep going!!!!!! you got this!!! 

I know you need all the unconditional love right now. Understanding and compassion. You need to write it all down. You need to keep going with yoga and meditation. You need to take one day at a time. You need to keep practicing your anxiety relief tool kit. You need to start earning income. You need to feel safe. You need to attend to what your body needs. Stay present! 

I love you, 

ME