day 9

 I was not able to talk to my sister on the phone last night. I tried calling her but she is having tooth pain issues. We did chat for bit and that was good enough for me. I woke up earlier today but still slept until noon. We did homeschool after lunch and we had to fight again today. I gotta grow my patience for real. I don't want to argue with my kids. I want to enjoy my time with them. They are the most important people in my life. I'm glad they both had fun at chic fil-a today. There were a bunch of kids at the play place. 

Mike told me about our tax coming in and its a substantial amount. I would have lived in the beach for a month or more. But I do dread talking about where to allocate the tax money we're getting back. To be honest, I don't want to move out even if my soul is dying here. I don't want us to buy a car. I don't want any recurring payments. It's just going to complicate things even further. I have to stand down. I have to say what I truly feel. We don't really spend time talking about our family or even ourselves or our marriage. I don't want to. I really have no energy. I did tell him to get his truck fixed because I'm tired of smelling the air freshener mixed with weed smoke inside the car. 

We smoke in the car because he is scared to do it in the backyard. He doesn't want his parents to know he smokes. I'm sure they know. 

I do notice little things but I really don't want to feed energy into it. 

I want to feed energy towards spending quality time with my kids. Quality time for myself. 

The kids are going back to their normal bed time schedule except for me. 

I need to wake up early so we can do homeschool early and be done with it. I feel like it's a chore. But I'm giving myself some grace. This is our first time. Seth is reading more. And Harlee is getting there. 

I want to enjoy homeschooling my kids. It's actually so fun to learn on our own timeline. Sometimes thoughts of my kids being behind scares me like they need to be caught up but I just want to have fun. 

Do I leave now once we get our tax money? I could stay at my own apartment. Gods of hustles please come to me. So I can do what I need to. 

I hope Gi's plans work. New income is coming hopefully. 

I still took two melatonin and still not working.