my brain bitting me in the ass

 I genuinely felt happy yesterday while doing homeschool with my kids. I had no negative thoughts or feelings towards the people I live with currently. Segway, back home I also did the same, not sleeping well and feeling upset toward the people I was living with. ha! talk about pattern. I digress. I would say today was a good day. Mainly because genuinely laughing with my kids like they were my long time friends felt like I was living. I felt alive. It felt really good. But I took two edibles today because I was feeling overwhelm toward the evening. I felt like the homeschool will not be done if we just keep on laughing. My kids have a knack for distracting me from the task we needed to do per subject. I don't want to take too long. But actually I was having fun and let the pressure go. The mind won today. 

I told myself I was feeling comfortable laying down on my usual spot but triggering thoughts came out of nowhere and made me start to panic. I feel like my brain said fuck you. You are too happy, you are feeling good today and I'm not liking it so here are some thoughts to break you tonight. 

I even did laundry and folded majority of the clothes. I made the kids clean up their toys too. Sorted out the clothes. 

He asked if we could continue the plan the other night to have sex. I really did not hear him since I was on my headphones when he said he was going to take a shower. I on the other had starting to panic, I went outside to make a phone call. I needed to talk to someone. My sister wasn't available but I'm grateful a good friend answered my call. IT helped me get distracted and felt better. Eventually talked to my sister so that was really good. I'm really thankful. 

He on the other hand slept upset I'm sure. Well I'm not in the mood, I just had a panic attack, I'm not turned on whatsoever. There is no messy human need tonight. 

Meeting myself where I cannot give up edibles just yet. I'm putting off taking my medication to help with my anxiety and depression. Not only am I scared of side effects, I'm scared of changes in my body again. 

As my sister pointed out, when I was a teenager I could not wait to be a grown up and be independent, live life the way I want. AND NOW I'M LITERALLY A GROWN WOMAN AND YET I AM STUCK IN THIS SITUATION. That is a wake up call in my book. 

I would do whatever I wanted even if I knew my mother will get mad at me. I would still do the things I want. I would not let her know too where I'm going and what I'd be doing. 

Now I am having a tough time. Hardest part of my life. I built my own prison. Because I listened to my mother. I am grieving the mother I wanted. Even my own husband could not support the way I wanted to be supported because my parents were the same. 

He literally said he doesn't know how to support me. 

I only really have myself and two young kids who love me so much