brain dump today

When I was in the Philippines, I could not bring myself to journal, do yoga or meditate everyday. I was doing them sporadically and I find myself with no to little motivation. I would always look forward to spending time with my friends or going outside but sometimes I let myself feel stuck at home. I wasn't generating any income and Mike's allowance that he sends us is only enough for food and some expenses. What I really wanted to do was stay at the beach. Live in a beach front house. I forgive myself for not being able to do a lot of things I wanted to do. My anxiety never went away, and I still have a hard time sleeping and staying asleep at night. I was dreading every minute that takes me closer to February 2024. Because that means I had to go back to Ayden. I knew then that I was going to feel uncomfortable being back. It's been a week since we got back and for the entire time, I've been experiencing incoming panic attacks at night. I could not breathe properly. I feel being suffocated. I needed to stay outside in the cold at night just for some fresh air. I had to call someone because I feel myself freaking out and I'm so grateful for my sister for answering my calls. 

I know I'm in this mess because I left someone dictate my life for me. My mother's influence has me on a chokehold and it's hard to change. I know she wants me to stay with Mike and keep the family together but every fiber in my being is telling me otherwise. I have severe anxiety and depression. Life is hitting me hard. I don't want to open up to Mike because I know he won't be much help. He is in the same position as me. WE are both unhappy. I know he has a lot of resentments and I cannot bring myself to fight or have a conversation because simply for me I don't have the energy to do it. 

I recognize now that I'm not lost. I just can't make myself do the things I need to do to get myself out of drowning. I need someone to help me mentally.