reflection

I'm feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I am having a hard time sleeping and staying asleep through the night. My son even said, Mom stop sleeping so late. I felt guilty. I stay up too late, I wake up in the middle of the night and have a difficult time going back to sleep. I can't help myself to stop watching my phone or my computer. My mind is overthinking non stop. I can't stop thinking. 

Here are my thoughts about recognizing signs of what is triggering my anxiety. 

I'm not where I want to be. I'm so sad and disappointed inside. I want to live by the sea. I want to wake up to ocean waves, sunshine, and ocean breeze through my windows and french doors. I want to be alone by myself enjoying the peace of mind. Where my mind is still and strong. I'm having an extremely difficult time accepting my situation. I know that I only came back here so my kids can see their dad. That's it. I told myself that I'm never going to do what other people want me to do. I'm going to do things on my own terms. But it is proven to be my biggest obstacle. I feel trapped, like a victim. I cannot escape. I wish so  much that I could. That I could walk away with my kids. Living the life the way I designed it. A house full of windows and french doors, in front is a stunning view of the white sand, crystal clear beach. My kids are doing earth school. I'm doing photography and other business. Living the slow tropical life on a magnificent island. Happy and content. That's what I'm longing for right now. 

I almost snapped at my MIL today because living with her is triggering something in me. The instances when I'm being told what to do, being in my business, touching me when I don't want to be touched. I'm mad at myself because I'm here when I don't want to. Why am I letting myself down? Why am I sacrificing my own happiness for others. Why am I not learning my lesson? 

The one person I secretly wanted to see the most, did not find the time to see me when I was back home for four months. In hindsight, I was wishy-washy about it. I want to but I don't want to see that person. It was humbling to know I'm not that important. But my brain is somehow trying to convince me that maybe that person was lacking of courage to see me. And that's on coping mechanism gone insane at it's finest. I'm taking it as it is. I'm going to elaborate and believe the lies my mind is telling me. 

I accept what happened. IT hurt a lot and I felt embarrassed for myself for thinking that person was the one. The one meant for me. Silly me.But I'm looking forward to already moving on from that narrative. 

Speaking of narrative, I recognize that I'm still holding on to the fact that I did not come home for 16 years. I want to move on from that chapter in my life. 

I want the next chapter to be about finding balance. Being kind, patient, loving to my kids and to myself. Going to where I'm supposed to go. Designing my own life. 

I want to change. 

I want to acknowledge every thing that I'm feeling, thinking. It has been a hard life but I'm still grateful. 

I was able to come home for a few months and be with my family and friends and old surroundings. Most especially, mangoes and the beach. I will come back my home!