brain dump

I need to earn income so I can support myself. My former co-worker wants me to come back to Bellababy but I'm not sure if I still want to do it. I'm thinking I could do weekends earn some cash and I can still homeschool the kids mon-fri. 

I've been sleeping late. Sometimes I wait until morning to go to sleep. Tonight, Seth waited with me. I was feeling guilty I'm allowing my child to be tired and wait for me when it's way past his bed time. I could not control myself. I still was on my damn phone or watching tv or on my computer. Minutes after I went to bed, I started to feel an onset of a panic attack. My thoughts was getting the best of me. I can observe it on my body. The most uncomfortable feeling to date. Very negative. Very down. I got up and went on the back porch when I saw the beautiful moon peeking through the trees. The cold is very comfortable. I started my anxiety meditation and it helped calm me down. I must go back to daily meditation. I need to help my mind and give myself the support I need to push through life. If anything, I'm more motivated now to travel with my kids. I do not wish to acquire many things. I only want time with my kids and with my family and friends. I want to my view to be the beach. I noticed that my life here in North Carolina is the same as living in black and white. I left the place where I see vibrant colors. The resistance of myself not letting Mike know how I truly feel about our marriage feels like its eating me alive. I'm not ready to break my family apart but I'm also not willing to be with him. I've had a enough. I deserve more. 

My scalp is on fire and I know that my body is telling me something very important. I do not want to be sick again and end up in a hospital needing surgery. But these days, I'm not strong enough to leave so I'm pretty mad at myself for not being motivated enough to get myself and my kids out. 

I'm trying to live one day at a time. To show myself extreme grace. I know I will get to where I want to be. I know I can  do it. I believe in myself. I know I am capable. 

I'm grateful for the small things. For making progress in organizing the house. Homeschool. More patience. More awareness. I am okay. I'm being shown what I do not want and it's teaching me to be strong. To have the courage to leave. 

Getting high is a daily things then so should meditation. LOL 

I need to relax and enjoy the journey. Thank you for showing me the way. The things I need to do to help myself get through. 

Daily meditation 

Daily yoga 

Daily brain dump 

If I'm consistent I can get strong. I am not getting anywhere when my focus are the things I don't want. I want to focus on the things I want. 

I am strong!!! I can do this!