Sunday today

 I told myself that I was going to dedicate this day to cleaning the house. I focused on cleaning the kitchen first. I thought of deep cleaning but I need to get more cleaning supplies. Then I decluttered the living room. I dusted most of the space. I'm not done yet but I got a lot of things done today. I also cleaned the kitchen tonight. I told myself that I was going to make sure the kitchen is clean every night. Slowly, I will work up on cooking every night for dinner or at least most of the nights per week. I told myself I can finish up dusting the small areas. I'm so glad I got the majority done today. I need to get that dust foam to see if it will help a lot. I loved the view of the hi-way. I like opening the blinds to let the light in and see the outside. I feel like living in a box with the blinds closed. 

I thought about assigning days of the week with chores I can do to make sure the house is clean. I've been operating on not cleaning on a lot of days and then getting spurts of energy to do deep clean. I would rather touch up every week so the chores are not so big. I really think that will help me in the long run. I plan to follow a system to help with daily activities. Mind is still scattered but I do have moments when I can think about of ways to improve my life. 

I did not take a lot of mind altering substances today. Although I've been feeling the need to stop smoking blunts. I don't like the taste, it makes me cough excessively, it has nicotine in it. I'm not honoring the part of me who quit cold turkey from smoking cigarettes because I knew nicotine is bad for the body. I honestly do not enjoy doing it. I feel lured by the chance of getting high and feeling good. But that's the thing, it doesn't feel good anymore. I feel the codependency part of me is the one who is dominant right now. The one who does not want things to change. She is really strong right now. 

I believe in the saying that staying together for the kids is a great reason to be together. But I know in my soul that I want something else in life. This is not the life I want. I want my future to look like living by the beach, house with a lot of windows to let in God's light. With my kids thriving and happy and healthy. It's hard to picture the future with him. 

When I told him about the panic I was experiencing he didn't say anything. He is showing me who he is. The panic was triggered by the meditation. I thought closing the door this time will be okay but I guess not. I need to see light. 

Cleaning the house today was me showing them how I care for this space we're all living in. Especially to help my child because the eczema flare is pretty bad now. The house if pretty dusty. A lot nooks and cranies untouched and full of dust. One day at a time. 

I need to stay on top of Seth's flare up. Need to be more consistent in putting lotion.  

If I could read minds but I know I can't but I had a feeling he was trying to make up for sleeping last night but I'm no longer in the mood. IT was a human need and I got over it today.