day 8

This is day 8 of being back in Ayden. I was disappointed to see that there was still so much clutter all this time. Our vehicles were not fixed. I don't even have the energy to get angry and have an argument how he didn't do what he said would do. My very core already knows I should not be surprised. He says something but doesn't really do it. So when we actually does anything, he seeks recognition. That's probably the most exhausting part of this relationship. He is full of shit. I'm full of shit. We're both unmotivated and exhausted. There's a part of me who feels really sad for him. The part where my mother will pity his son in law and would chose to make her own daughter suffer and be miserable as long as we are together. I'm so over her beliefs. I definitely do not want to be near her or live with her if she will only show me that leaving is the wrong choice. I'm scared of her opinion at the same time I'm so tired of her. To  live up to her expectations. To please her. Over and over even subconsciously. I'm not that person anymore. No wonder my body is giving me signals that there's absolutely fucking wrong with this decision but I'm so crippled with fear. I can't leave without any money in my own bank account. I need to focus on getting income instead of giving in to taking things personal around this house. 

We are all broken and I no longer wish to be here. To be a part of this circus. I am done. 

I deserve more. So much more. For my kids. Even if they will be trauma and so much hurt. They might get angry and resentful towards me too. But I gotta believe something right? And I really refuse to focus my thoughts and energy to the negativity of my mind. So what if they get mad. It's normal but what matters most is we will get through it. I can accept taking things one day at a time. I can accept multiple steps to get through my end goal which is to live by the sea. I know I need to take the kids into a great deal of consideration. I want to them to have access to their father all the time. But not necessarily in the same area. Maybe at the beginning yes, but eventually I would have to take my journey and this is not my final destination. 

I'm still having an extremely difficult time sleeping. Melatonin does not work on me. Gummies is making me paranoid. I feel pressure on my chest when I lay down and I start to have visuals of the road in Panay. Were I used to walk on that road for errands. It's as if I have a perspective of being on an RPG game. I start to panic. Almost tantrum like. Why am I not there right now? That's where I want to be right now! 

I try to meditate but sometimes it's hard to focus. So I'm relying on my toolkit right now. This is tough part. I have no friends to visit and talk to. I don't want to open up to the people I live with. I actually try to distance myself because this live in situation is freaking me out. But this is not about me anymore and my marriage. This is about my gameplan to seriously get my freedom back. I deserve my freedom from being exhausted all the time and being in survival mode. I want to level up. I must level up.