the cat is out of the bag

 I could not shake the feeling of irritation towards my kids today. Actually towards anyone here in the house. I know I am being difficult to live with. I'm wearing my unhappiness and misery like a badge. It's this place and situation that I purposely put myself in. Thinking that I don't have a choice. My children are seeing the weak mother era. I am struggling so bad. Everyday is a day to survive. I'm not thriving. I'm not thrilled to be here. Today I finally told my husband basically what's weighing down on me. I know he doesn't like me at all and just tolerating me. I know he stopped trying and I don't want him to keep trying anyway. I know he is tired. I know this is marriage is not working anymore. He knows I'm only here for the kids sake. He is not blind. I know he knows how I truly feel. 

So now where to go? There is no going back now. Just try to be respectful. I can still feel miserable but I'm not going to be rude anymore. Not gonna try for connection either. Just matter of fact. 

I'm so fucking dumb for thinking to create a family with a person I wasn't sure of. Now I'm paying a price for it. My kids are going to love this place because this is were they were born and they are a part of. Because I let it happen. I'm too fucking weak. To let him decide where to build our family. I'm so fucking dumb. What a fool I've been. 

I'm still feeling irritated towards the kids. I know they know something is off. I can't fucking help it. I know I can't stay in this marriage for the sake of the kids. I can see it clearly now. 

I need to get a job if I want to get out of here. That is the next step. I need to save money. Money come to me. 

I need this negative vibes to pass through me. I lift it up.