anchors away

 I took some edibles and then smoked this afternoon. Then I felt like I took too much because I seem to be having a panic attack. Like I could not breathe. We were parked outside a store and I told him I was too high to come inside. I also for some reason felt like I needed to say something. Something lodged in my throat wants to come out. I finally told him that I don't want to be here. That I'm having a tough time, that I cannot sleep at night. That's why I wake up late. That I try to make sure I help out around the house by cooking, cleaning, and organizing but I'm just having a difficult time. Maybe it was because I was high but I was so relieved after. I was crying and pouring my heart out. 

I was so appreciative of the fact that he listened to me. Gave me space. I opened up the conversation by commenting that we talk about trivial things but we don't talk about our relationship. 

I did ask him earlier if we could have sex and he said yes, made plans to connect the PS 5 and have some alone time after the kids are in bed. I was actually acknowledging the part of me who needs physical touch and intimacy. It looked like I really was settling. Not only he could not support me the way I wanted him too but he is not here, plans not happening because he is now asleep. 

What can I do? I'm not going to take it personal. Would I want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to be with me. 

I asked him if he is happy. He said most of the time just not enough. Not how he wants to be happy. I know the feeling so I asked him shouldn't we do something about it? 

He couldn't answer me really. He kept trying to make me laugh and divert the conversation because that's the way he is. 

I'm so incredibly proud of myself. The anchor on my chest is gone. The pressure is gone. I also gained more clarity on my road map. 

I need to taper down on my edibles and limit once a week of going to ride with him. I need to take control of my thoughts. It's getting harder to do when I'm intoxicated. 

I do want to eventually stop so I can start taking my anti depressants. I want a life my kids will model and they will know what's it like to live a fulfilled life. and to be happy. Truly happy. 

I could feel the codependency we have with each other in the car. He doesn't know what to do because he doesn't want to go live in the Philippines. That I know for sure. He only wants to send me with or without the kids. I don't know why I keep trying even when I know there is nothing to salvage. We need to keep going. 

Note to self. I am back on track. I am clear on what I want. One day at a time. 

Good for you for speaking up. Good that you know his response and what support he is willing to give you to the best of his capabilities. IT is not enough for me. I know that now. How sad that my kids are seeing how I'am being treated. I need to keep going and I need to change. I need to save myself.