before bed thoughts

He asked if we could have sex sometime. I said where? There was no room where we could do it. He said, if there's a will there's a way. Then he asked me there's no will is it? I replied, that there is so many things that needed to be done. I could not for the life of me just tell him that I'm not planning on doing anything intimate. Right now my focus is myself. I'm not in the mood. I'm not turned on. I have not interest in that matter anymore. 

Why couldn't I just say it. I did not want him to be in a more bad mood. I don't want a fight. 

I just want to get through this. For my kids' happiness I'm sacrificing my own. That's not sitting well with me. I regret not choosing a partner that suited me more. I hope my kids do not make the same mistakes I did. It's hard to get out of this relationship when there are kids involved. It's so much more complicated. 

Another day went by I don't have any income coming in. I feel like I have not accomplished anything. 

But I know I have done a lot. We did homeschool today which is great! 

Thinking of positive things only. 

I felt triggered tonight. I felt irritation because I'm missing out on eating mangoes or drinking mango shake. For my kids, he is the world. For me I'm miserable. I felt like the kids are going to miss out growing up where I grew up. I was triggered with the fact that my daughter is going to see a local stylist that Mike knows not who I know because we don't live back home. 

IT's a damn hard pill to swallow. The fact that I have to accommodate him because he doesn't like flying, he doesn't want to leave his parents. I have some resentments to work on. 

That's why I'm choosing myself. I'm choosing my peace of mind. This is all I can give right now. To be here with my kids and that's it. I no longer want to be a wife. I want to be free. 

Manifesting. Higher vibrations.