I hate it here

 That part of me that hates this place. It's such a big word. Full of emotion and sadness. I've always known that I am miserable and yet I let myself down over and over again. I dared one time to leave. I drove silently for almost three hours. Just to quiet down my mind. We were arguing and I exploded and made it a bog fit. I left and turned off my phone and drove through the night. I got out of town, out of state a few hours away. I stayed in a motel with my dog, drove to the beach the next day. As I sat there the whole day, trying to overthink on what to do with my life. I hade the choice to leave and start a new life or come back. I couldn't do it on my own so I drove back, swallowed my pride and came back. 

That was my way out. I didn't take it. What a fool. I'm so mad at myself for missing the sign from the Universe. I'm afraid I've made the biggest mistake of my life. 

From that mistake, I met the most important people in my life. My children. I am so blessed and so lucky to be their Mother. I am so honored. But there's also fear. New fears flooding. Fear to see them hurt. 

Today was extra hard. When I thought I was feeling okay and just got over an emotional and physical hurdle. 

I am also reminded that I am loved. By my children. By my family and friends. There are actual people who love and care for me. I need to show myself the love and care I deserve. 

I saw apples to apples and 1111 today. Trying not to give it some thought.