again

 Tonight I felt you again. right when we were getting ready to go to bed. I felt fear, that I couldn't breathe. I wanted to go outside the house and get some fresh air. But I didn't. We were getting the kids to bed and I didn't want to interrupt or prolong the agony. It seems like it is when getting the kids to bed. It's like having to entertain them the whole day but still failing at it but still end up with being wiped out at the end of the day. I see now that a big part of me is hurting. No wonder I did not want to be in a relationship. Because I'm so hurt. But I still ended up with getting in to relationships because I was getting older. Not really because I wanted to be in one. I wanted to experience it for the heck of it. What was I missing out. Part of me wish I didn't take anything so seriously. I really wish I could turn back time and make better decisions. Unfortunately I can't. No one can. Maybe there's another version of myself in another universe who is making better decisions. The kindest things I can do for you is to help you accept. Those things that already happened in the past you must leave it there. The present moment is all you have. I wish you didn't have to experience all the pain and hurt. I wish you knew how to feel your emotions. Find your voice, listen to your gut, don't stop. Keep going forward. All is going to be okay.