checking in

My son slept beside me tonight and we held hands until he feel asleep. I was trying real hard to be in the moment. But my brain kept trying to change the channel. I had control in the beginning but the darkness of the room added to the sensation of panic. Why can't my brain just focus on the moment. Like when I was skydiving, or going down the giant slides at a water park. I guess it's the adrenaline rush. How I wanted to cherish the moment with more clear head. He kept holding my hand. He requested that we pray so he won't have nightmares. He said the first time we prayed, he didn't have bad dreams that night. 

We did homeschool today. I did chores around the house, mostly kitchen duties. I had multiple conversations with my MIL today. For the most part, I try not engage too much. I feel like she fibs a lot sometimes. Just like when I notice my husband fibs. She goes past the curtains and asks her son if he is going to eat. She has racist tendencies towards other people. To think she has Native blood in their family. All their family are trump supporters. My BIL has a trump flag outside in their front yard. I am not close to them. I feel like my BIL and MIL are alike when it comes to be being greedy. I don't know I just don't feel at ease. A lot of men in his family don't talk to me. Maybe because of how I come off too. I prefer it that way anyway. I see my MIL being happy with the kids and their antics, and I'm happy for them. But in exchange, I am lonely. Alone. I had to choose to comeback for the kids. So they can see their Dad and his family and relatives again. 

TO BE HONEST, if my sister was in my position, she would have been gone a long time ago. 

My daughter said, she loves her life with her Mom and Dad. I'm so scared of breaking her little heart. I'm scared of inflicting trauma to my kids. I don't want to hear what my mother is going to say when I finally leave. 

I'm looking forward to the sleep aid that will arrive tomorrow. I hope it really helps me fall asleep. and have a good night's rest. 

I will focus my energy on my goal. But I'm still not looking for online jobs. Ugh. What do I want to do. 

I will help clean the yellow trailer tomorrow. So I can get the studio clean again. Will try to record and see about posting content online.